


The Redemption of Mercy Knight

by pommedeplume



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bittersweet, Break Up, Communication Failure, Community: rs_games, Death, F/M, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, R/S Games 2016, Sad but not depressing, Tearjerker, Time Travel, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-22 20:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8300440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pommedeplume/pseuds/pommedeplume
Summary: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are dead and Sirius is given one last chance to travel back in time and fix the problems that broke down their relationship.Inspired by "The Bed Song" by Amanda Palmer & the Grand Theft Orchestra.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my beta h_d!

> _**"I'm not sure I'm ready to go. I suppose I have no choice but I just… can't let go." - The Death of Mercy Knight by R.J. Lupin** _

Death wasn't anything like Sirius Black expected it to be. For one thing, he hadn't expected to know he was dead. Not knowing you were dead was just a part of life. Sirius had been at peace with that fact and hadn't been frightened of the prospect of death. 

Sirius tried to take a breath but couldn't; he was dead, or rather, he had died and the dead don't breathe. He wondered if it was even accurate to say that he was dead. He was a former person.

Sirius fumbled about in the darkness of his coffin, not really sure what he was doing. Lying in a coffin for all eternity sounded dreadfully boring but there didn't seem to be an obvious way out of this situation. Then he remembered something: Remus. Remus was dead too, which meant that his late husband was buried right next to him.

"Remus?" Sirius said, though he lacked a mouth.

There was no answer from the grave next to him. Remus had only died a few days before him. The bastard didn't even have the decency to let Sirius go first. Instead, Sirius had a few days during which his body grew progressively more frail, his final thoughts of the many decades they had spent together. Sirius had wondered how they had managed to keep going all those years, despite drifting apart.

Sirius considered his current state of being. He felt cold. He felt weight, almost like he was lying at the bottom of a swimming pool. There was something else… something nearby. There was something heavy yet weightless and Sirius could feel an almost magnetic sensation drawing him to it.

"Is something there?" Sirius called out.

 _Yes_ , it answered wordlessly.

"What do you want?" Sirius asked.

 _You_.

"Why have you come for me now, after the burial rather than when I died?"

 _There are rules_.

Sirius declined to inquire beyond that. Perhaps, some things were better left unknown.

"Where is my husband?" Sirius forced himself to ask.

 _Gone_.

Sirius resisted the urge to ask if Remus was in heaven or hell… or if those things even existed. Even more things that were probably better left unknown.

Suddenly, Sirius felt a pulling sensation, like there was a string attached to where his navel would be… if he still possessed physical form. Dark soil surrounded him until he rose through the freshly planted grass into the gloom of day.

Sirius floated in the air above his and Remus's graves. The gravestones were very nice. He bought them himself. Sirius felt sad. He and Remus would lie in these graves forever.

To the left was Remus's grave:

>   
>  _**Remus Lupin** _
> 
> _**Beloved author and loving husband** _
> 
> _**1982 - 2068** _
> 
> _**"There will always be a part of me here. All you have to do is look around." - The Last Goodbye of Mercy Knight.** _  
> 

  
Remus had chosen the quote from his final book over a year before he died. The Mercy Knight series had never been as successful as Remus wanted it to be but it had a lot of respect and endurance, managing a total of twenty-five entries into the series. Sirius privately thought that there should be been movies made from them but had never said so. 

>   
>  _**Sirius Black** _
> 
> _**Loving Husband** _
> 
> _**1982-2068** _  
> 

  
They had asked Sirius what quote he might want for his epitaph but he was never able to decide before it was too late. He thought it was appropriate, nonetheless. Sirius had never really done much with his life the way Remus had.

Both gravestones said "loving husband" but that was a bitter lie. Their relationship died long before their bodies did. The trouble was that after all this time… Sirius still didn't understand why. What had ever been the matter?

Early in their relationship… they had been so in love. It had been like the rest of world had stopped existing whenever they were together and for the moment there was only the two of them. But things changed. At first Sirius thought they had just settled. That was normal for couples, wasn't it? That new relationship energy wears off and you become used to each other. It's not as exciting but it's far more rewarding. But that wasn't what happened.

Remus had pulled away. They became distant. Sirius just assumed it was his fault. He was an errant dog who was unworthy of Remus's love. Maybe he was too unattractive, too stupid. Maybe he was… an inadequate lover. Sirius wanted to cry but the dead shed no tears.

"Well, what are you waiting for?"

 _I am not in control_. _Come or forever remain in limbo_.

Sirius, whatever he was now, felt himself sinking. This was it. He was dead and before facing eternity he had to come to grips with the life he never had. Why had they remained together all those years? Why they didn't just… talk? They had wasted their entire lives to prove what? What had they accomplished other than robbing each other of time they could now never get back?

"Is there no other option?"

Death did not reply. It began to rain over the cemetery. How typical, Sirius thought.

"Can't I get a second chance? In the stories, people make deals with death. Can't I make a deal with you?"

Sirius looked around. He appeared to be alone in the cemetery, aside from the other dead like him. It felt unusual to be conversing with an entity that had no visible presence… or even a voice.

 _What would you propose_?

"Let me go back. Let me fix things," Sirius said.

 _You are dead_. _Nothing can change that now_.

"I'm not asking to be alive again… I'm asking to go back and save my life while I still had it!"

 _If such a deal is to be made a price must be paid_.

"Anything!"

 _You are mine, Sirius Black_. _Now and forever_. _Your death is a fixed point in time_. _No matter what you change in the past, your moment of death cannot be escaped_.

"Fine. I don't care. Eighty-five is better than some manage."

 _You may find that with a better life you might be less willing to part with it_.

Sirius didn't respond to that. He would worry about that some other time.

"OK. Do it. Send me back!"

 _Very well_.

* * *

Sirius was standing… yes, standing in a room he once shared with Remus in the large house they'd had on the Oregon coast. They were only in their sixties back then. It was morning. Sirius could hear someone in the shower. He looked over to the mirror hanging over their dresser. He had no reflection, despite an apparent semblance of a physical form. He looked at his hands, pale and young looking. Much younger than he had looked in a long time. Was this how he imagined himself?

The water stopped in the bathroom. Moments later he heard someone opening the bathroom door and he panicked. What if they saw him? But there was no need to fear, it was only himself. Sirius had forgotten how he looked before his health had deteriorated. His hair was still mostly dark in his early sixties.

He watched as his past self got dressed. He felt sort of strange and voyeuristic. It was him… but not anymore.

"Why did you stay?" Sirius asked himself.

Sirius had pulled on a white dress shirt and black slacks. His foolish attempt to still pretend he was the same young man that Remus had fallen in love with so long ago.

"You have twenty more years to live. You aren't happy. What made you stay?"

Sirius spritzed himself with cologne. He then set the bottle back down on the dresser and left the bedroom. Sirius followed himself into the living room. Waiting inside was James… no… that wasn't James. James was dead. It was Harry. The eyes gave it away. Green just like Lily's. Harry would've been about forty.

"Took you long enough, old man," Harry said.

The other Sirius chuckled at his godson and slapped him on the shoulder. Just then the front door opened. Remus entered. He nodded at the other two men and walked by silently.

Remus was very grey-haired by this point, his honey brown having disappeared with time. He was still rather handsome. Sirius felt himself stiffen as he remembered what time this was. This was the year of Remus's affair. Remus had not confessed to it but Sirius had been so sure of it.

"Hey, Uncle Remus," Harry called out to Remus who was now in the kitchen, pouring himself some milk.

"Hello, Harry. How is your mother?" Remus asked.

"Well enough, I suppose. Spends most of her time in the garden. I think it helps her keep her mind off…"

Harry trailed off but the Sirius who was dead finished, "Your father."

James Potter died a week after his fifty-ninth birthday. Pneumonia. James had insisted he was fine. It was just a cough. He had deadlines at work to see to. By the time Lily had forced him to go to the hospital it was too late.

Losing James was a blow to them all. Selfishly, Sirius had convinced himself that this would be the thing that pulled him and Remus back together after all these years. Instead Remus had grown ever more distant. He didn't even want to talk about James. Remus never wanted to talk about anything.

Harry and the Sirius who wasn't dead left the house. Remus headed to the door not long after they left, looking nervous. Sirius realised something: he could follow him. He could follow him wherever he was going. He could prove that Remus was having an affair at long last.

But was he really so petty? It didn't matter now. He instead went and laid on the bed. He couldn't sleep but he could at least be still while he waited for the day to end. The Sirius who wasn't dead arrived home around nine. Remus didn't get home until just after midnight.

The Sirius who was dead stood in the bedroom and watched as Remus got into their large bed and rolled over to the far side away from Sirius. It was like that for years. They hadn't even said a word to each other that day.

* * *

The world peeled away, revealing an earlier version of the same room. Furnishing and decorations were a bit different. The room was empty. Sirius left the bedroom, still finding no one. Going into the back of the house, he found the sliding glass door open, an ocean breeze blowing through.

A Sirius who wasn't dead was seated on the steps of their back porch that lead to the path down to the beach. Sirius walked down the steps, almost swearing that the other Sirius flinched but dismissed it quickly.

One look at his face and he knew what day it was. It was the day James had died. He could see the exhaustion from a long night of crying all over his face. Sirius had cried until there was nothing left inside of him. All the while, Remus was out… somewhere. Perhaps, this was when his affair began. Sirius heard a car pull up out front. The Sirius who wasn't dead barely reacted but the Sirius who was dead dashed around the house to find Remus sitting in his car… sobbing.

Sirius had rarely ever seen Remus cry in all the decades they were together. He hadn't known that Remus had cried this much when James died. He had barely seemed bothered at all.

"Why didn't you ever say anything? Why did you hide yourself away?" Sirius asked.

Remus looked a little startled and again Sirius thought that somehow his presence was being felt. After a few minutes, Remus composed himself and dried his eyes before going inside. Sirius wasn't interested in seeing how the rest of this miserable day played out and once again the world peeled away…

* * *

It was raining and Sirius could hear echoing voices inside the house. He went inside. The house was empty save for the Sirius who wasn't dead and Remus. The Sirius who wasn't dead was explaining all of his plans for their furniture while Remus smiled politely and nodded. Remus had largely stepped back and given Sirius the freedom to arrange and decorate the house however he wanted.

Sirius had misinterpreted this as a sign that things were about to get better. It was a new home, away from the city. It was a place where they could be alone. Remus could get some writing done and Sirius would have significant space to work on his art. They would both be happier and that would bring them together.

It some ways it had been good. Sirius had been more productive and Remus completed his first novel in years, after a painful period of writer's block. He had intended it to be a standalone novel, but halfway through it became the first in a new stretch of Mercy Knight novels, despite having killed her off in the previous entry. To their friends and family it certainly appeared that things were better between them. But no one had ever really known what it was truly like between them.

Sirius had sometimes wanted to run and beg Lily, who was not only James's wife but Remus's best friend, to reveal what was going on with Remus. At the heart of everything there had been one essential question: did Remus even love Sirius anymore?

The world peeled away…

* * *

Sirius stared down at the city streets below from the window of the condo he had shared with Remus in Downtown Seattle for more than a decade. Sirius wasn't sure what year it was. He was alone in the living room. The lights were dim and no one appeared to be front door unlocked, letting in the sounds of laughter. No, Sirius thought with horror. Not _this_ night.

Sirius watched, feeling utterly helpless, as a version of himself that wasn't dead dashed into the condo holding the hand of a man who was not Remus Lupin. He was a younger man. He was a blonde haired Canadian whose name he could no longer remember. Looking at him now he was struck by how much he reminded him of Remus when he was younger. So handsome and finely featured with a full lipped smile that could sink a battleship.

Sirius flinched as his younger, still-alive self laughed and flirted with a man who was not Remus. Moments later, they were off to the bedroom to commit treacheries of flesh and heart. Sirius wanted to move on. He couldn't stop what was already happening. But still, he sat on the couch, listening to the sounds of his own infidelity.

Eventually the younger man left. Sirius never saw him again. Remus arrived at home while Sirius was in the shower. It was well after midnight. Remus looked tired. Sirius came out to greet him in that old black robe he held onto for so long, until Remus finally insisted they toss it out. Sirius gave Remus a kiss. Had he really been that in denial? They hadn't made love in years and he had just cheated on him that very night. The kiss was awkward and devoid of passion, both men going through the motions. This was just what couples did.

Not long after this Remus suggested they leave the city and get a place on the Oregon coast. Sirius regretted his infidelity but began to fear that Remus knew and was secretly returning the favor. The Sirius who was dead wondered now if he only convinced himself that Remus was cheating to make himself feel less guilty.

The world peeled away as both men lay in the dark, on the far sides of the bed not speaking or even looking at at each other.

* * *

Remus and Sirius sat on either sides of their couch, silently watching an old movie. Casablanca, which was turning ninety that year. Sirius remembered the last time he ever watched the film. They were living in the coastal house during the hundred year anniversary.

Remus always preferred books to films but Sirius had a fascination with the golden age of cinema. He had even dreamed of being a filmmaker as a teenager. But beyond a few short films he made in his early twenties, it had never come to anything.

Of course, that had been how he and Remus met. James held a screening of Sirius's second short film: "Transitions: A Love Story". Sirius had been oh so very proud of it. The film started in black and white and was about lonely trans boy, played by Sirius whose life is incomplete until he meets another trans boy, also played by Sirius but in different clothes and a wig, at which point the world exploded with colours.

Sirius had been intensely proud of it. It had been a lot of hard work. After the screening, Remus introduced himself. He asked why he played both of the characters. Sirius replied that he didn't know any other trans guys. Remus had patted him on the shoulder and said, "Well, now you do."

And that had been it. They quickly became close friends and somehow tumbled into love. Sirius only made one more film after that. It was forced and uninspired. Remus had loved it. He had tried to motivate Sirius to keep at it but Sirius decided he was never going to be a great filmmaker. What was the use? He lacked the talent.

Eventually, Remus stopped trying to motivate Sirius, who instead turned to painting and sculpting. He wasn't great at those either, but they somehow felt less pressuring.

But Sirius hadn't made it that far back yet. For now, he was watching a version of himself in his late-forties, glancing at his supposed lover in the dark of a room only lit in black and white. He remembered how much he longed to be Remus's lover once again. It wasn't even about sex. He just wanted to hold Remus or for Remus to hold him. But now they rarely even touched, except as a formality.

"Why won't you even touch me?" the Sirius who was dead asked.

Remus flinched and Sirius again wondered if his presence traveled across realities. Is this what hauntings were? The dead being forced to relive echoes of their life in reverse?

Sirius watched his still-alive self watch Remus with longing. He looked so wounded. How did he ever carry on to this point? Why couldn't he see the truth that was in front of him?

The Sirius who was dead hung his head as the world peeled away…

* * *

Remus sat on their couch in the condo while another unfamiliar man sat on their loveseat. Neither of them were speaking at the moment.

"So how are things, Remus?" the unfamiliar man asked.

"I'm not sure," Remus said.

Sirius sat down on the couch and watched the scene unfold. His still-alive self must've been visiting James and Lily.

"How are things with Sirius?" the man asked.

Remus sighed and shook his head.

"I want to go forward with it but I just… I don't want to hurt him," Remus confessed and Sirius saw that his eyes were shining with tears.

If Sirius had a heart he knew it would be pounding right now. What was this?

"Divorce is never easy, for either party," the person, who was obviously a therapist, said.

Therapy? Sirius never knew Remus had a therapist, at least not since they were young.

"I know, I know," Remus said, wiping at his eyes.

Sirius couldn't believe what he was seeing and hearing. It didn't make any sense.

"Tell me, Remus, what are your fears?" the therapist asked.

"I'm afraid it will destroy him. I'm afraid… I'm afraid he won't move on. That he will spend the rest of his life wishing we would get back together or that we could've somehow made it work. And I'm worried… I'm worried that he'll hate me," Remus said and clasped hands to his face, soft sobs escaping from his mouth.

Sirius felt completely frozen.

"How could you not tell me you wanted a divorce?" Sirius asked, but he realised he was seeing the answer in front of him.

And how could he say that Remus was wrong? Sirius wouldn't've taken it well. He would've begged Remus for another chance. He would've refused to believe it was really over. They were supposed to be together forever, until death do they part. And they were together until death… but not really.

"He must know that it's over. I think we both do. We gave it a better shot than it really deserved, you know. Twenty-five years is a long time," Remus said.

"It will hurt for both of you. But perhaps, if you end it now you could still salvage a friendship," the therapist said.

"I'm not sure. I mean, we don't hate each other. But it's like we're empty. There's a void between us where our love used to be," Remus said, staring out the window at the grey of the world beyond.

"And whose fault is that?" Sirius snarked, despite himself.

"I know that's my fault. I mean… I still love him. I always will. But I'm not in love with him anymore and I think it's killing him," Remus said, wiping at his eyes again.

Sirius desperately wished he could cry. He wished he could express the pain that was filling his mind… spirit… whatever he was.

"Then let him go," the therapist said.

"I know," Remus said, was silent for a beat then repeated, "I know."

Remus never mentioned divorce in the remaining nearly forty years they were together before their deaths. The therapist went to ask another question as the world peeled away…

* * *

The bedroom. Naked flesh entangled in a voracious lack of passion. This was the final time they made love. Sirius was no longer sure how long it had been before this time. Years, perhaps. How had this happened? How had they crossed the dividing chasm that lay across their bed?

Sirius had simply asked and Remus said yes, even though Sirius didn't really believe he wanted to. The end result was friction without desire. An ode to sex as a need, not a want. Sirius looked at the face of the Sirius who was still-alive. He was in his early forties, he could tell by the small amount of grey in his hair and the lines on his face. He could see in his grey eyes the acknowledgment that neither of them were truly present in this moment.

Remus… well, Remus was beautiful as always. Sirius remembered looking up at Remus and wondering, "Can't you fake it? Can't you fake it, just this once. Just for me."

The bitter irony that Sirius now realised was that Remus had spent his life faking it for Sirius, more than he ever knew. Sirius looked away and the world peeled away…

* * *

The bedroom of the condo still. A Sirius who was still-alive stood in the room staring in shock at the bed. This was the day they moved into the condo. Remus had just had this bed delivered. Sirius had been stunned by its size. Sirius had felt like Remus had been deliberately sleeping on the far side of their old queen size mattress for years. Well, now it would be easier for Remus to avoid ever having to accidentally touch him in the night.

The Sirius who was still-alive wrapped his arms around himself as Remus entered the room silently, adjusting the new sheets. The Sirius who was dead felt crushed by the weight of everything he had seen. He wondered why he had been unable to interfere thus far. He wanted to shout… to tell them both to stop. Give it up. Just… let go.

No, he couldn't change things now. He needed to go further back. Their youth was still ahead of them. The world peeled away…

Remus and Sirius lay on a different bed in a hotel room. The Sirius who was dead looked around. He remembered this. Sonoma, California. This was their honeymoon. Remus was reading and Sirius was looking at pictures on his phone while he hummed "Hotel California."

"Are you going to hum that the entire time we are here?" Remus said.

"Oh, sorry. Can't help myself, I suppose," Sirius said, looking guilty.

The Sirius who was dead walked over to the window. Sonoma had been beautiful. Remus and Sirius had enjoyed a wonderful week of delicious food and wine. They had enjoyed it together but apart.

They were both thirty-four. Remus was just about to publish his first novel, the big one that would buy them that condo in eight years. It allowed him the freedom to work on his true passion project: Mercy Knight, a tale of a lesbian detective, searching for hints of an existence of a supernatural underworld. It was post-modern noir and scored well with critics even if it never flew off the shelves.

Even at this point Sirius had been trying to convince himself that things would get better. He thought getting married would bring them closer together, that it would remove whatever the wedge between them was. But it wasn't a wedge between them so much as a it was a deepening chasm.

The bed in the hotel room was no different than their bed at home. They lay upon it, not touching, barely interacting.

The world peeled away…

* * *

Sirius stood in the front yard of the old, small blue house they lived in for eleven years before they got the condo. It was summer and Remus was doing yard work, wearing jeans and a white tee-shirt with cutoff sleeves. The Sirius who was still-alive was nowhere to be found. Remus pulled off his dirty gloves and sat on the porch to drink some cold water from a thermos.

Remus had always loved working in this yard, which was fine with Sirius because he detested yard work. Remus had asked him if he wanted to help here and there but Sirius always insisted that Remus was doing just fine.

Sirius watched this handsome man, in his early thirties sitting upon the porch, sweat glistening over his arms and shoulders. Remus had done a lot of working out and the effect of that and his testosterone injections really showed. This was a version of Remus that Sirius had almost forgotten.

"Hey!" a familiar voice called from the sidewalk behind Sirius.

Sirius glanced back and saw Lily Potter standing there in wearing a very summery shorts and a floral tank-top. Her pale skin looked a little more tan than normal. This was that summer she had cut her hair really short. Sirius had thought it was cute and it made her green eyes pop that much more.

"Hey, Lils," Remus said.

"I can't believe you are wearing jeans, dude. It's hot out here," Lily said, walking over to Remus.

Remus shrugged.

"So what's up?" Lily asked.

"I asked Sirius to marry me," Remus said.

Lily froze, her red lips quickly closing into a frown.

"Marry you?" Lily said, looking confused.

"Yeah," Remus said, looking out across the street.

"I… Umm. Congratulations," Lily said, though she didn't sound excited.

"I know what you're thinking," Remus said, setting his thermos down and moving his gaze towards her.

"Remus… I love you and I love Sirius too. But… this isn't working," Lily said and sat down next to Remus.

"This could fix things," Remus said.

"It won't. You know it won't," Lily said, placing a hand affectionately on Remus's back.

Remus said nothing but his face said plenty. Remus's face reflected what this entire experience had revealed to Sirius. Sirius felt bad for Remus. Somehow in this moment he loved him more than ever.

"I just want him to be happy, Lils. We don't spend time together anymore, unless it's with you guys. We don't kiss, we never have sex… we barely even touch each other. And he doesn't say anything but I know it's killing him. I know I should leave him but maybe getting married will bring us closer together," Remus said.

Sirius looked away. Remus was crying and he couldn't bear to watch. Moments later, James arrived with Harry and a Sirius who was still-alive. Harry was just a few weeks shy of his twelfth birthday, a small dark-skinned boy wearing glasses with wild hair and his mother's eyes.

"Hey, Uncle Remus," Harry said, running across the yard to tackle Remus.

"Hey, Harry," Remus said and laughed, clasping the boy in his arms.

"Sirius was just telling me the wonderful news. Congratulations!" James said, walking over and shaking Remus's hand with enthusiasm.

James had been so excited, possibly more excited that Sirius was. Sirius looked at his face. The Sirius who was still-alive was blushing and shyly looking down at his shoes. He had been completely over the moon that day. It was little wonder that his best friend was so supportive but Sirius looked at Lily who seemed uncomfortable because she knew the truth. The world peeled away…

* * *

Remus was washing dishes while Sirius laid on the sofa, watching Netflix with Peter Pettigrew, who sat on the floor sipping a beer. The Sirius who was dead smiled at the short, blonde haired man on the floor. It had been a long time since he had seen Peter Pettigrew. He felt a pang of regret that he died not knowing what had ever happened to Peter.

The last Sirius had heard was that Peter had met some girl online in Germany and was moving there to be with her. He knew James had continued to email him for years after and Sirius always meant to but at some point he just forgot.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I hope you ended up all right," Sirius said.

"Did you say something?" Peter asked, looking at the Sirius who was still-alive.

"Nope," Sirius said.

They were watching House M.D.. Sirius had always been fond of Hugh Laurie. One of the few joys of his childhood was sneaking out of bed to watch Jeeves and Wooster on PBS, hoping his parents or his brother Regulus never caught him.

Thinking of Regs stung him further. He was found in the water below his parents cliffside home when Sirius was nineteen. The police had ruled it a suicide and Sirius had agreed. His parents insisted it was foul play but Sirius couldn't imagine who would want to hurt Regs.

Remus had included an investigation into the murder of the son of a wealthy half-elf family who had also been found drowned off a cliff in his last Mercy Knight novel. Until now Sirius had never made the connection.

Sirius who was dead walked back into the kitchen. Remus had just finished putting the dishes in the dry rack. Remus went into the living room, the old wood flooring of the house creaking with every step. Remus sighed quietly and glanced around. Sirius wondered if he should've done more to help with the dishes. Remus never asked for help so he assumed it must've been all right. Sirius felt like he never could get them clean enough and Remus always rewashed everything anyway.

"How does he not get fired?" Remus asked.

"He's brilliant!" the Sirius who was alive said.

"They can't get rid of him. He saves too many lives," Peter said.

"I don't know. I mean Hugh Laurie is great but House is a real bastard. He'd be a real lawsuit magnet in reality," Remus said.

"Probably," Sirius said then laughed.

Remus made a small smile then walked away, to the bedroom. He would probably spend the rest of the day reading alone in bed. Sirius would notice as the day went on and go to check on Remus. He would ask him to come out but Remus would decline and say that he just wanted to read. It was often like that.

And then finally, Sirius would come to bed. It was their first proper bed, a full size that would later be replaced by a queen after their marriage. Remus would still keep his distance and avoid touching Sirius, even though there wasn't much room.

The world peeled away…

* * *

Sirius was naked and laying face down on their bed. But this wasn't the old, blue house. This was the apartment in Fremont. It was a step up from their previous domiciles but was still a bit small and neither of them owned many things.

"I had a cute butt, didn't I?" Sirius said and his still-alive self looked behind him.

"Remus?" the still-alive Sirius called out.

"Yes?" Remus said, entering the room.

"Did you say something?" Sirius asked.

Remus smirked at the sight of Sirius's butt and shook his head.

"No. What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"I'm enjoying our new bed. And this apartment is hot," Sirius said.

"That it is," Remus stated plainly.

Remus turned to leave the room but Sirius called out, "Wait."

Sirius turned over, revealing the topside of his naked body and grinned at Remus.

"Would you care to join me?" Sirius asked then laughed.

Remus blushed and shook his head.

"I was thinking about dinner, actually," Remus said.

"You're going to cook something?" Sirius asked.

"Oh… I could, I suppose," Remus said.

Sirius had always loved Remus's cooking. He was envious that Remus had been taught how to cook by his mother. Sirius had tried his hand at baking here and there but nothing ever came out right. Remus was so much better at it.

"Well, put some clothes on and come talk about what you want," Remus said.

Sirius hopped up from the bed and the world peeled away…

* * *

Sirius found himself in an apartment he had not-so-fond memories of. It was a shithole, though to be fair, it had been _their_ shithole. It was a studio apartment. Their only furnishing was a used futon mattress they bought at Goodwill. The two of them lay on it, Sirius wrapped in a bedsheet, and Remus in a blanket. This was where their love had truly died.

They had been together for five years at this point, their best days well behind them, their worst days yet to come. Sirius remembered laying on the futon with Remus in the winter and thinking how cold it was and how much warmer it could be if they shared the heat of their bodies. But Remus always rolled away, facing the other direction.

Sex barely happened, even then. Remus complained that the neighbours could hear them through the floor, but Sirius never cared about that.

Despite everything, the Sirius who was dead thought they looked so peaceful right now. He felt bad for them both. He didn't understand what went wrong. They had loved each other so much. If he kept going back he could figure it out. But he also might rob them of their best years. The good years… the only ones they had ever had.

Sirius crouched down. He kissed Remus lightly on the forehead. Remus stirred a little but didn't wake. He then leaned over and did the same to the Sirius who was still-alive. He then pressed his forehead against the younger Sirius's. He didn't know how he knew what to do, only that he did. He couldn't possess his younger self but he could… plant an idea. A dream. One that would stick with him forever.

He felt himself begin to fade. This was the end of the line. Sirius pulled away and looked down at Remus.

"I love you," he said then everything went away.


	2. Chapter 2

> _**Mercy gazed over at Olive Brown and smiled. Olive winked and she laughed. Oh god, was this really happening? - The Long Road of Mercy Knight by R.J. Lupin** _

"That was really good," a smooth, unfamiliar voice said.

Sirius turned and saw before him the most beautiful boy he had ever laid eyes on. He had short, honey brown hair, soft pouty lips and a sweater that really fit his torso just right.

"Oh. Thanks!," Sirius said feeling like he couldn't breathe.

"Remus Lupin," the man said and stuck out a hand, and Sirius shook it.

Sirius smiled and said, "Sirius Black" when what he really wanted to do was scream because, _oh my god_ , why was this gorgeous creature touching him.

His skin was soft but his grip was strong and firm. Sirius felt flushed and nervous.

"So, I have a question, if you don't mind me asking," Remus said.

"No, go ahead. Please. I welcome it," Sirius said, wondering where James was, because oh god he needed to tell James _immediately_.

"Why did you play both characters? I mean your edits were impressive, don't get me wrong, but surely the kiss would've been easier with a second person," Remus asked.

"Oh… well, it's really a story about two trans boys falling in love. It's sort of like… they both feel incomplete until they find each other. I don't know any other trans boys and I didn't want to cast anyone who wasn't trans," Sirius answered.

"I can respect that. Well, now you do know another trans boy," Remus said, slapping Sirius on the shoulder and laughing.

* * *

All Sirius Black could think about that night was Remus Lupin. It was five in the morning and he hadn’t slept a wink. He kept replaying the moment in his head. He kept trying to remember how his skin had felt, what his voice had sounded like, even what his cologne smelled like.

He kept looking at the scrap of paper he had scribbled Remus’s cell number down on. Sirius wanted badly to call him and invite him out. He wondered how early in the morning was too early to call. Was Remus an early or late riser? What if Sirius seemed too eager? Would that put Remus off?

Sirius didn’t sleep at all. At eleven-thirty he dialed Remus’s number, hoping he wasn’t making a mistake.

“Hello,” the voice on the other end said.

“Hi, it’s Sirius.”

“Excellent. I was hoping you would call.”

Sirius felt his heart pound and he curled his toes. OK, Sirius, start talking, he thought. He couldn’t just sit there overwhelmed by his own excitement. Suddenly, Sirius yawned and he clasped a hand over his mouth.

“Sounds like you’re tired,” Remus said.

“Yeah. I didn’t sleep well. Was just… thinking about the screening,” Sirius said, proud that he wasn’t technically lying.

“So what are you doing in a couple of hours,” Remus asked.

Fuck. Sirius was supposed to ask _him_ out.

“I, uh, nothing,” Sirius stammered.

“Where do you live?” Remus asked.

“Northgate. Where did you want to meet?” Sirius asked.

“I live in Queen Anne. Do you want to meet up downtown?” Remus asked.

“Sure. Sounds great,” Sirius said.

* * *

Remus and Sirius walked along the sidewalk in the city. They were headed towards Pike Place Market, in theory. Sirius didn’t really care where they went. The only thing that mattered was the company he had.

“So when did you know?” Sirius asked, looking over at Remus with a smile.

“That old question? When did I know I was gay or when did I know I was trans?” Remus asked.

“Both,” Sirius replied.

“I’ve always known I was a boy. I didn’t want to wear dresses or play with dolls. I wanted to play with the other boys. It was more than that though. Just… a feeling. Once I told my parents that I was a boy they accepted it. They let me wear the clothing I wanted and it felt… right,” Remus said.

“I was terrified to tell my parents,” Sirius admitted.

“That you were gay or trans?” Remus asked.

“Both,” Sirius said.

“So what did you do?” Remus asked as they arrived at a nice view of the waterfront where there was a place to sit.

Sitting down, Sirius replied, “I didn’t tell them. I ran away when I was sixteen. They still don’t know.”

Remus reached over and affectionately squeezed Sirius’s arm. 

“As I said, I’ve never known any other trans guys. I’ve always sort of had an androgynous sort of look, I guess. I tell people my name is Sirius and that I’m a boy and that’s good enough for some people,” Sirius said.

“I don’t care what anyone thinks. My transition is for myself. I want to make myself happy. I want to feel comfortable in my own body,” Remus said.

Sirius smiled at Remus in admiration.

“So you?” Sirius said without finishing the question, because he wasn’t really sure what he was asking.

“I take testosterone injections. I wear a binder for my chest, but I’m saving up for surgery someday,” Remus said.

Sirius blushed and said, “I’m not wearing a binder, if you were wondering.”

Remus laughed.

“I wasn’t and I don’t care,” Remus admitted.

As a teenager Sirius had never understood why he should want bigger breasts. He liked his flat chest just the way it was.

“I think you look great… if you were wondering,” Sirius said.

“I was just about to say the same thing to you,” Remus said and he smiled at Sirius in a way that he had only dreamed of before.

* * *

Remus stared at Sirius, looking amazed at their predicament.

“I thought you said they were out of _town_ ,” Remus whispered.

Sirius threw his hands up and said, “They were!”

“Well, they aren’t now!” Remus whispered.

The two of them now stood in the shower of James Potter’s parents’s bathroom while James’s parents slept just outside. Sirius had told Remus about how nice the house was and how he had enjoyed the time he had spent staying with them and remembered that he still had a key. James had definitely said his parents were on vacation. They often were, since they were both retired and had more money than they really needed.

Sirius just had to brag about how nice the master bathroom was. He just _had_ to. And now they were stuck in the shower together. Sirius thought ending up in the shower together was something that would happen later on. After all, it wasn’t exactly clear what was happening between the two of them. They were just friends. Friends who had barely known each other for two weeks, at that.

“We should just go. We can leave as quietly as possible. If they catch us, they catch us. At least they know who you are,” Remus said.

“No! If they find us I’ll never hear the end of it from James,” Sirius said.

“There are worse things than pissing off your best friend,” Remus said.

Sirius scoffed.

“You’ve never seen James Potter mad before,” Sirius said.

Remus was silent a moment then said, “I need to pee.”

“Me too,” Sirius said.

“There’s a toilet right there,” Remus said, gesturing out of the shower.

Sirius looked at Remus in shock.

“What exactly are you proposing?” Sirius said, trying not to laugh.

“If we’re going to stay in here we may as well make use of the facility!” Remus said.

Sirius genuinely couldn’t tell if Remus was joking or not.

“So you are suggesting we leave some actual evidence of our presence?” Sirius asked.

“No! I don’t know… We just… we _need_ to get out of here,” Remus said.

Sirius sighed. Remus was right. It wasn’t practical to stay in here all night. They already had a near miss earlier when Mr. Potter came in. It was some sort of miracle that he hadn’t checked the shower, though perhaps most people didn’t usually think to themselves, “Oh, I wonder if my son’s friend is hiding in the shower with his maybe-sorta-future boyfriend?”

“OK. Let’s go,” Sirius said, quietly.

Sirius gently pushed aside the shower curtain, stepping out one leg a time. 

“OK,” Sirius said, gesturing at Remus to make his move.

Remus stepped halfway out but began to slip. Sirius quickly caught him, both of them frozen in place. Sirius quickly realised how close his face was to Remus’s and unconsciously licked his lips. He felt himself moving closer but instead Remus finished stepping out of the shower and pulled away.

“That was close,” he said.

“Too close,” Sirius said and started to walk towards the door.

Suddenly, he felt Remus grab his hand. Sirius turned around in confusion only to find Remus’s soft mouth pressing into his. He held his breath, closed his eyes and tried desperately to freeze time so that this moment would last forever.

And then the bathroom door opened. Sirius opened his eyes. Mrs. Potter stood at the door, her mouth agape. Sirius pulled away from Remus and made an awkward smile.

“Hello, Mrs. Potter. This is my friend, Remus,” Sirius said.

* * *

“So this is where you live,” Remus said, looking around and clearly trying to mask his disgust.

“For now. I don’t really know the couple who lives here all that well but they let me stay here rent free as long as I watch their cat,” Sirius said.

“A cat? Not a bad deal,” Remus said.

“You haven’t seen where I sleep. And anyway, I’m more of a dog person,” Sirius said.

“Well, where do you sleep then?” Remus asked.

Sirius guided Remus over to the dining room where his few belongings and sleeping bag were.

“It’s barely a corner,” Remus said, appalled.

“Did I mention it’s free?” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.

“Surely, you can find something better. Why can’t you move back in with James’s parents? They seem nice. They were very understanding about that whole bathroom incident last month,” Remus said.

“I could but… I don’t know. I want to build my own life… for me that means starting at the bottom,” Sirius said.

Remus looked at him and frowned.

“Hey, it could be worse. I mean at first I didn’t have a sleeping bag. And then I didn’t have a pillow. Now I have a sleeping bag _and_ a pillow!” Sirius said pointing proudly at the items in question.

“So you do,” Remus said, sliding his hands in his pockets.

* * *

Remus and Sirius entered the apartment quietly. It was late and they were both exhausted after a night bar crawling. It was cold in the apartment and there were people singing to music downstairs, something indistinct with muffled guitars. Sirius wasn’t drunk and he was fairly certain Remus wasn’t either but they were too tired to care about much else.

Sirius said, “You can just sleep in the sleeping bag with me,” and for some reason Remus shrugged and replied, “Why not?”

Sirius felt like he was floating in an odd sort of dream. But a lot had felt like that recently. That was just how Remus Lupin made him feel. 

Sirius got inside the sleeping bag first, trying to leave as much room for Remus as possible. Remus removed his binder before getting inside, Sirius politely looking away. Remus slid inside and Sirius felt flushed at the excitement of Remus’s warm body at his back. There was even less room in the sleeping bag than Sirius thought and his heart pounded as his skin prickled with excitement.

He could feel Remus’s hot breath on his neck and Remus placed a hand on Sirius’s hip. Sirius knew his blood flow had changed directions and he pushed his body even closer to Remus, urging him on. Remus’s hand curved around Sirius’s thigh as Sirius held his breath. He had never been touched like this before but there was a first time for everything.

Later that morning, Sirius found himself unable to sleep. It wasn’t because he’d had sex, though that had been nice. It was because he was _in love_. He thought this only happened in stories or to other people more fortunate than him. He had no idea how the man behind him, with his lips in Sirius’s hair, felt. Strictly speaking they were just friends but they weren’t friends like he and James were friends, that* was for sure.

* * *

Sirius set his pack down with a thud. He was tired of walking and fell down against a tree. Remus stood on the path, looking disappointed but still smiling. 

“Come on, Sirius. Don’t tell me you are already out of steam,” Remus said, walking over slowly.

“Steam? I never had any steam to begin with,” Sirius said.

Sirius took a long drink from his thermos while Remus came over and sat down next to him. It was Remus’s idea to go on a hike around the Olympic National Park to commemorate their first summer together. Remus loved hiking and spending time in the outdoors. Sirius had to admit that he was a bit used to the city.

Remus’s shoulder pressed against Sirius’s arm. They were both sticky and hot. Sirius felt miserable but just being close to Remus made things better. He smiled at him. Sometimes he felt like every time he looked at him he was seeing his face for the first time all over again. They’d been officially dating for two months though they had sort of been dating for two months before that. It was all a bit fuzzy and ambiguous.

Sirius wasn’t even sure what the line between friendship or romance was. What was the difference? Did he love Remus anymore than he loved James? He supposed James wasn’t sexually interested in men. Was sex the difference? No, it wasn’t that. Sex was just one version of intimacy.

When Sirius looked at James he saw a man he loved and unquestionably trusted and cherished. He was a reliable companion who would always be there for him. When he looked at Remus he saw… well, he saw everything and it was almost frightening. He wanted to disappear inside Remus Lupin and never come back. Everything he said or did was perfect and he was the most beautiful person that Sirius had ever seen.

Remus stroked the side of Sirius’s hair lightly. Did he feel the same way Sirius did? It didn’t seem possible. Sirius knew himself better than anyone and he was confident that it was impossible for anyone to feel the way about himself that Remus claimed to.

Remus kissed Sirius on the cheek then lifted himself back up.

“We gotta keep moving,” Remus insisted.

Sirius sighed and pulled himself up, putting his pack back on.

“What is love?” Sirius asked a moment later.

“Baby don’t hurt me?” Remus replied then snickered.

“Very funny,” Sirius said then laughed.

Now that song was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of the day. He supposed his search for the meaning of love would have to continue. For now, he had a hell of a lot of walking to do.

* * *

“I’ve got an idea for a third film. I don’t think it’s very good though,” Sirius said.

“Tell me about it, then,” Remus said.

The two of them were sitting next to each other in Sirius’s corner of the dining room, while his roommates’s cat slumbered nearby. Remus’s nose was buried in a book, as was often the case.

“No, it sucks,” Sirius said.

“You think that everything you do sucks,” Remus observed.

“Yeah, but this one really does,” Sirius said.

Remus shot him a skeptical look.

“OK. Fine! My idea was to tell a story that’s basically the opposite of the last thing I did,” Sirius said.

“How so?” Remus asked.

“Instead of showing how they come together and become complete, I’d tell a story about two characters falling apart and showing how much they need each other,” Sirius said.

“Sounds like a promising start,” Remus said.

“No, it’s not. It’s shit. It needs more… something else. I’m not sure what the central message is. Transitions was about gender and wholeness. This story… is just about how sad it is to not be with the one you love. It’s not even really a story,” Sirius said.

“Keep at it. I’m sure it will be great. Trust yourself,” Remus said then leaned over and kissed Sirius before going back to his book.

* * *

“Happy New Year, Sirius,” Remus said, before giving him a slow, sensual kiss.

Remus and Sirius laid naked together in a sleeping bag. Sirius had said he’d never had a New Year’s kiss and Remus suggested they go one further than that.

“Happy New Year, Remus,” Sirius echoed, still trying to catch his breath.

“What are you looking forward to this year?” Remus asked.

“You,” Sirius said and kissed Remus again.

Remus pulled away and laughed.

“Besides me?” Remus asked.

“I don’t care about anything else,” Sirius said.

“I’m looking forward to your film,” Remus said, frowning.

Sirius scowled.

“The footage is all crap. Mary and Dorcas are fine as the two lovers but the whole thing… it just feels sort of uninspired to me,” Sirius said.

Remus looked disappointed in Sirius. Sirius hated when Remus looked that way. He would do anything to never have to see Remus be sad or disappointed. He just wanted to make him happy.

“Well, I certainly can’t wait,” Remus said.

* * *

Sirius was sitting quietly in the empty room where his newest short film had just screened to a group of friends and acquaintances. He knew Remus was nearby but hadn’t yet said anything to him. The response had been every bit as underwhelming as he expected. Transitions was just a fluke. He was a failure.

“I know what you’re thinking,” Remus said.

“No, you don’t,” Sirius rebutted.

“I’ve known you for nearly a year, Sirius Black. You can learn a lot about a person if you spend enough time with them,” Remus said, sitting down in the chair next to him.

“I knew it was crap. I knew* it,” Sirius said.

’There we go. That’s the Sirius I’ve gotten to know. Telling yourself you’re a failure so you don’t actually have to grow or change,” Remus said bitterly.

Sirius turned to Remus feeling wounded. Remus sighed, his face filled with regret.

“So it wasn’t as good as the best thing you’ve ever done. It was fine. Nobody hated it. Personally, I liked it a lot but I know I’m not biased because I love you,” Remus said.

“It sucked. I’m just not any good,” Sirius said.

“Of course you are. How can you say that?” Remus asked, wrapping his arms around Sirius’s shoulders.

Sirius began to cry. He was a failure. Why wouldn’t Remus just admit it? He didn’t have to be nice.

“I’m done. I can’t do this anymore,” Sirius said.

“What do you mean?” Remus said.

“Films. I’m just not any good at it,” Sirius said.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t drop your dreams just because your latest work wasn’t the best thing you’ve done,” Remus said, genuinely sounding confused and concerned.

“I can and I will,” Sirius said, and got up and walked away, leaving Remus alone in the room.

* * *

Sirius scooted his body next to Remus’s. He was having trouble sleeping. He usually did. But it was a new place. The couple with the cat moved away so Sirius found another place where he could sleep in their living room on a foldout couch for a hundred dollars a month. And it was only for the summer.

Remus had found a large blanket and a couple of pillows that they could use. Something about sleeping less close to Remus made him feel sad. Remus had seemed more distant lately. He supposed this was normal after being together for a year. Things cool off and you settle. They still loved each other. That was what was important. 

But for Sirius… well, nothing had* changed. He still wanted to be with Remus every moment of every day. He needed* him. Remus was a sturdy wall to lean against and a comforting blanket to wrap himself up in. He made him feel safe, secure and stable.

A dog was barking somewhere in the distance. Sirius thought if they could ever get their own place that he’d like a dog. That would be nice. He rolled over and tried to sleep.

* * *

Remus slid up Sirius’s body with a grin on his face. He then gave Sirius a slow kiss.

“Thanks,” Sirius said.

“Well, you were looking a little tense,” Remus said, sliding his naked body next to Sirius’s side.

It wasn’t easy to find time for sex these days. Their current roommates were often home and worked the same hours that Remus and Sirius did. And Remus didn’t often seem to be in the mood.

Sirius wondered if he should offer to return the favor but Remus wasn’t signaling that he was interested so he supposed not.

“What do you want to do today?” Sirius asked.

“I was thinking about catching up on some reading,” Remus said.

“You don’t want to go out? Autumn is looking lovely,” Sirius said.

“Nah. I’m good,” Remus said then climbed off the couch bed to get his clothes back on.

* * *

Remus and Sirius laid together watching the ending of Casablanca. Sirius was behind Remus and holding him from behind. It was their two year anniversary and Remus claimed to have never seen it before. Sirius thought Remus looked bored.

They were now living with a friend of James. He didn’t have a couch so they slept on the floor. It was uncomfortable but Sirius supposed it was better than living on the street.

The film ended and Remus rolled over.

“What’d you think?” Sirius asked.

“I liked it,” Remus said.

Sirius didn’t believe him but decided not to press him.

“Are you hungry?” Sirius asked.

“A bit, yeah,” Remus said.

“I could really go for some pancakes,” Sirius said.

“Sounds good,” Remus said.

For a moment they just sat there.

“Did you want me to make them?” Remus said, looking confused.

“You don’t have to. We could do something else,” Sirius said.

Remus shrugged and stood up, heading towards the kitchen in silence.

* * *

Sirius looked around the room. He and Remus finally had their own place together. It was just a studio apartment. It was adequate for now. They had even managed to find a futon they could sleep on together.

“We could trade between sleeping on the floor and the futon,” Remus said when they bought it.

Sirius had shrugged and said he supposed that would be fine. He hadn’t minded sleeping so close to Remus over the last three years. 

Remus stepped inside and, set a heavy box down then wiped sweat from his brow.

“I think you might have overpacked this one,” Remus said.

“Oh sorry. I could’ve helped you carry it up if you’d have asked,” Sirius said, trying to look apologetic.

Remus shrugged and went back down to the car. Sirius followed Remus down, feeling guilty. 

“I could get some of your books,” Sirius suggested.

“No, I’ve got them,” Remus said.

Sirius felt dejected and useless. He often felt that way. He always felt like somehow he wasn’t good enough for Remus, especially these days.

Remus was getting top surgery this summer and Sirius worried he wouldn’t be able to help with the aftercare well enough. What if he wasn’t good enough and Remus stopped loving him?

He was probably being ridiculous. It would be fine. That’s probably what Remus would tell him if he asked. But he wasn’t going to ask. If something was wrong he decided that, for now, he didn’t want to know. If it was bad enough Remus would say something.

* * *

Sirius sat alone on the futon and wondered where on Earth Remus was. It was cold inside the apartment and the cable was out. Sirius felt lonely. On evenings like this where Remus was working late Sirius felt like he was waiting by the door like a dog waiting for his master. The more distant Remus became the more desperate Sirius became for his love and approval.

I should do something, Sirius thought. But what? He glanced over at the sink. The dishes needed to be done. Remus would be happy if he did them. But it wasn’t a lot. They could wait, surely.

Half an hour passed and Remus still wasn’t home. Sirius wanted to call him but he was out of minutes on his phone. Sirius had wanted to get a landline but Remus didn’t think they could afford it.

Sirius looked over at the dishes. He should just get up and do them. It shouldn’t matter whether or not Remus would be happy. They needed to be done. But what if Remus got home while he was doing them? No, it was too late. He should’ve already done them by now. What was the point?

Another half hour passed. Remus got off work two hours ago. Where was he? Sirius started to panic. What if something had happened to him? He could’ve been in a wreck and Sirius wouldn’t even know.

Sirius tried to calm himself. He should just do the dishes. It would get his mind off whatever terrible things he was imagining.

The door opened and Remus walked inside.

“Hey,” Remus said.

“Where were you?” Sirius asked, feeling tears in his eyes

“Work? I decided to stay a couple of hours late. Sorry,” Remus said.

Sirius felt tension release from his body. He quickly felt embarrassed at himself for panicking. Remus went to the bathroom. Sirius chastised himself and barely noticed when Remus started to do the dishes.

* * *

Sirius awoke with a start. He had an odd, overwhelmed sensation like his brain was too heavy for his skull. He was sweating and felt nervous.

“What’s the matter, Sirius?” Remus said.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Sirius replied.

“It’s fine. You’re shaking. Nightmare?”

Sirius wasn’t sure what had happened. It was a dream but more than a dream. It was knowledge and understanding, like a tapestry having been rolled out in his mind. The message was not a happy one. Sirius began to cry.

“Oh, honey,” Remus said and wrapped his arms around Sirius.

Remus’s touch was comforting and wounding at the same time. He was filled with fear and somehow he knew it was true. He knew* it.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s the matter,” Remus said in a gentle voice.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to explain it,” Sirius said.

“Try,” Remus urged.

Sirius sighed and turned to face him, lifting himself up on an elbow.

“This isn’t going to work,” Sirius said.

“What isn’t? I mean I can’t make you talk about this but you usually like it when I help you,” Remus said, seeming defensive.

“No… not that. This,” Sirius and gestured around.

“We can move. I was actually just thinking we could probably afford to move somewhere a little better. We could even get a bed,” Remus said.

“No… not the apartment,” Sirius said then exhaled and said, “Us.”

Remus looked confused.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked.

“You and I… we shouldn’t be together anymore,” Sirius said, tears streaming from his eyes.

Remus looked panicked.

“Of course, we should,” Remus said and grabbed one of Sirius’s hands and kissed it.

Sirius pulled his hand away and got off the futon. Sirius could see Remus’s eyes were filling with tears and he had to look away. He had to do this. It didn’t make any sense but he knew he had to. He could feel it inside him. He could see so many things in their future. So much pain ahead for them both.

“No. We can’t,” Sirius said.

“I don’t understand. Where is this coming* from?” Remus said, tears falling down his cheeks.

“I’m going to move in with James. I’m sure he’ll let me crash on his couch. I’ll help you pay rent here until the lease is up. I promise,” Sirius said, his words like daggers into his own heart.

The disbelief and pain on Remus’s face was horrifying. I should stop this, Sirius thought. I’m hurting him! How can I hurt him like this? How can I hurt myself like this? He turned away, walked over to the window, clutched the mantel and sobbed.

“At least talk* to me,” Remus begged, getting up and coming to Sirius’s side.

Sirius shook his head. He knew he couldn’t explain.

“It won’t work. I promise you it won’t work,” Sirius said, shaking his head.

“Are you cheating on me? Please, you can tell me,” Remus said.

“No!” Sirius shouted.

Remus recoiled. Sirius immediately felt guilty. He had never shouted at Remus before. He had always been proud at how little they fought. He had always thought it a sign of strength between them.

Sirius sighed. He felt sick. He needed to leave. He dashed around the apartment and grabbed a few important things. He would explain to James what was up once he had made it to his house from the bus.

“So this it. It’s really going to end like this? It can’t end like this. Please, Sirius,” Remus pleaded.

“I’m sorry. I’m doing this for us both,” Sirius said.

He opened the door and turned to Remus one last time then said, “I’m sorry.”

Sirius went outside and closed the door. He walked down the stairs, Remus’s sobbing remaining audible all the way down. One day, Remus would understand. One day I will understand too, he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

> _**"I am flesh, bones and blood. I am alive and dead but my words are immortal." - The Return of Mercy Knight by R.J. Lupin (unreleased/unfinished)** _

"Remus is getting married," Sirius said, pushing an envelope across the table to James.

"Married?" James said, picking up the envelope and opening it.

James read the invitation with bewilderment on his face.

"Who is Thomas Lang?" James asked.

"How the fuck should I know?" Sirius said, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"When was the last time you even heard from Remus?" James asked, placing the invitation back inside the envelope.

"I don't know. Last I heard he was dating some guy named… Oh, I can't even recall," Sirius lied.

"It was Roger. I can remember because you complained about what a bastard Roger must be. Just like you complained about Marc, Carl and Lester," James said, his hazel eyes gazing skeptically at Sirius.

Sirius groaned.

"I mean honestly, what the fuck kind of a name is Lester anyway?" Sirius said.

"Anglo-Saxon, I think," James said with a laugh, ever the smartass linguistics nerd.

"Oh, fuck off, James," Sirius said, giving James the finger and trying to suppress a laugh.

For a few moments, there was only the sound of the rain on the sidewalk outside the cafe. Sirius knew the next question James would ask and was silently wishing he would just get it over with.

"So… are you going to go?" James asked.

"It's in New York. I'm _not_ going to New York," Sirius answered.

"Actually, Lily has been bugging me about taking a trip to NYC this summer. Personally, I'd rather go somewhere with beaches and plenty of sun. But… well, you know how hard it is for me to say no to her," James admitted with a chuckle.

"So go to NYC! I'm not going," Sirius replied shaking his head and looking away.

"Don't you want to see him again?" James probed.

"No," Sirius lied.

Inside, he was trying to push Remus out of his head, just like he had been for the last seven years. Intrusive thoughts could be difficult to escape and the world was filled with various triggers and reminders.

There were smells and textures that reminded him of Remus in ways that were almost too abstract for him to understand and echoes of moments he didn't know he remembered. Boys with honey brown hair stopped his breath.

There wasn't a day that went by where Sirius didn't wish he could go back and be with Remus again. He wanted to take it back. He wanted to erase that day when he woke up so sure that he had to break up with Remus to save them both. He hated himself for that.

He wanted be hiking with Remus in the Olympic National Park. They had felt so alive that first summer. He wanted to be huddled with him in a single sleeping bag for the first time again. He wanted to go back and feel the moment they first kissed, hiding in James's parents bathroom while they were sleeping. He wanted… He wanted to turn back time. He wanted to find a way to stop them from breaking up. He wanted to feel whole again and he would never feel whole again without Remus.

"You're a liar, Sirius Black," James said.

Sirius wiped at his eyes, choosing to pretend that James hadn't noticed he was crying.

"I don't want to see him because he'll be happy and that will hurt," Sirius confessed.

"Isn't that a good thing? Don't you want him to be happy?" James asked.

It wounded Sirius to admit to himself that he didn't want Remus to be happy. Selfishly he wanted Remus to be miserable without him. He wanted to believe that Remus felt just as incomplete without him. He liked to imagine that Remus came to visit an old friend in Seattle and accidentally bumped into Sirius somewhere, say the Fremont Troll, and was suddenly overwhelmed with happy memories and he ran into Sirius's arms and never left again.

Sirius would apologize for his moment of sheer foolishness. How could he let a thing as precious as their love slip away from him? He would never let go again.

Sirius felt weak, like he wanted to collapse. He had been doing well recently. His coping skills were improving. But then this… Sirius spun the invitation with a finger and said, "Of course, I do."

"You were an important part of his life for years. Think about how much it would mean to him for you to be there," James insisted.

James didn't know it but his words were like a knife being twisted in his heart. The idea of going there to watch Remus marry himself off to some other man because it would make Remus happy was inherently offensive, an insult to the years they had spent together.

"Promise me you will think about it. You need closure, Sirius," James said.

Sirius sighed and nodded.

"I'll think about it. I suppose I owe him that much," Sirius said.

* * *

Sirius sat outside the wedding reception feeling numb. It was an unusual sensation to have been moved by the marriage of your former lover to a complete stranger and yet feeling darkness wash over you as you realize that he’s been pulled even further away from you.

“Sirius,” a voice said.

Remus, Sirius thought and glanced over at him.

Sirius tried to smile but he wasn’t sure how believable it looked and he turned away quickly.

“Remus,” he replied.

“I’ve missed you,” Remus said and Sirius realized that was the last possible thing he wanted to hear right now.

Sirius wanted to say that he had missed Remus too but instead he only nodded then looked down at the floor.

“I’m… I’m glad you came,” Remus said, placing a hand affectionately on Sirius’s shoulder.

“Anything for a friend,” Sirius said, his voice struggling to find volume.

Sirius needed to run. He needed to go back to his hotel room and spend some time alone.

“I mean it, Sirius. You were a big part of my life. Those were important years even if things didn’t work out between us,” Remus said.

Sirius wanted desperately to raise his eyes and get a good look at Remus but fear kept them glued to the floor. He just nodded again.

“Tom and I should go to Seattle sometime. It’s been too long,” Remus said.

Sirius couldn’t disagree with that. But selfishly he wanted him to stay away rather than come flaunt his new, happy life in front him.

“Yes. It _has_ been too long,” Sirius said.

Sirius finally forced himself to look at Remus. The years had only made Remus more handsome, not that Sirius even cared about that. Remus looked concerned which made Sirius feel guilty for hurting so much. He wanted to curse Remus for his pain but remembered that this was all his own fault.

“You should come back inside the reception,” Remus said.

“No, I think I’m tired. It’s been a long week,” Sirius said.

James, Lily and Harry were still inside. Sirius didn’t know why it didn’t occur to him that Remus would invite them to the wedding too. Remus and Lily had become quite close before Sirius had broken up with Remus for reasons he still didn’t understand, inspiring Remus to move away, to escape from his own pain.

“OK… well, it was good seeing you. Truly,” Remus said, patting Sirius’s shoulder again and going back inside the reception.

Sirius looked inside. He watched Remus standing next to his new husband. He was glowing with happiness. It should be _their_ happiness he was glowing with…. but it never would be.

* * *

“I’ve been thinking about getting back into filmmaking,” Sirius said.

“Now? It’s been over a decade!” James said.

Sirius watched as Harry and his friend Ron played a video game together on James’s Playstation. Lily was distantly sitting on the back porch watching the rain, listening to music on headphones and appearing peaceful.

“Yeah. I think it’s time. I think I have things to say again,” Sirius said and smiled at James.

“That’s great,” James said.

“My old films were about love and being complete through love because that was all I cared about. I think I was wrong or maybe I was only right for myself at the time,” Sirius said.

Sirius heard the glass door of the porch closing and Lily entered in the living room with a smile and a wave.

“Hi, Sirius,” Lily said.

“Hey, Lils,” Sirius replied.

“Sirius is going back into filmmaking,” James said, gesturing enthusiastically with a hand at Sirius.

“Oooo. Can I be in it?” Lily said and sat down on James’s lap with a thud causing them both to laugh.

Sirius rubbed his chin in consideration.

“Sure. I could find something for you. It’s only a vague idea right now. It’s a film about choices and how they have ripples over time,” Sirius said.

“It’s a short film like the others?” James said.

“No. It’s full length in my mind. With my parents and Regs both gone now I have money that I never really wanted and with a kind donation from a friend I might have more,” Sirius said smiling at James.

“I’ll help you any way you can. For a fair share of the profits, of course,” James said with a wink.

“Can I be in your film?” Ron said from the floor causing Harry to try and shush him.

“Sure. If your mom says it’s OK,” Sirius said.

“Awesome!” Ron said while Harry looked embarrassed.

“OK. Tell me more,” James said.

* * *

> _I loved the film, Sirius. Lily was wonderful in it. I can’t wait to see what you do next. I’m so glad that you have found your voice again. Tom and I have decided to adopt a child. It’s something we both really want, I think. I’ll let you know more. We should come out there sometime. It really has been too long._
> 
> _Thinking of you, Remus._

  
Sirius smiled at the email. Sure, inside part of him felt Remus’s love slipping further away as his commitment to someone else grew stronger. It did hurt but he was making his peace with it. It was a burden he would continue to carry but he thought it might be possible to live with.

Sirius thought of writing back but he needed time to think about his response. And besides the pile of emails and offers thanks to the movie’s modest success were beginning to become overwhelming. But he was glad to have Remus’s approval.

* * *

“When did you know you wanted to become a filmmaker?” the reporter asked.

Sirius laughed and shook his head.

“I can’t even remember anymore. I’ve always loved films for as long as I can remember. I remember watching old black and white films like Casablanca when I was just a boy. My parents didn’t want my brother and me watching anything they saw as corrupting so they only let us watch old movies. I don’t think they even paid attention to their content,” Sirius said.

“Why did you wait until you were in your thirties to get back into filmmaking?”

Sirius frowned and said, “I lost my voice in my twenties.”

“Why?” she asked, her face friendly and disarming.

Sirius sighed.

“I was in love. And then I was heartbroken. I think I needed to grow as a person. I lost myself. I believed I was an incomplete person,” Sirius admitted.

“That’s interesting. Your films have romance but they aren’t really the focus. Particularly, your first feature, ‘Evergreen Dreams’ was focused on a young woman, played by your friend Lily Potter, and her struggle to support herself as a single mother in the Pacific Northwest. It specifically avoids romance.”

Sirius nodded and said, “Romance isn’t the solution to every problem. I’ve learned that now.”

“So there’s no romance in your life?”

Sirius frowned.

“No. I don’t think I’m ready to talk about love.”

“Surely you’ve had other loves since your heartbreak.”

Sirius shook his head.

“Only my work and my friends,” he replied with a smirk.

“You’re never lonely?”

“Everyone gets lonely, even if they are with someone all the time. We are all alone in our own minds,” Sirius said.

The reporter seemed caught off guard and looked down at her notes.

“So what’s up for you next?” she asked.

“I’m adapting a novel by an old friend, Remus Lupin,” Sirius said, his focus turning to the distant sounds of a news helicopter flying over downtown Seattle.

* * *

Sirius watched as waves crashed off the Oregon coast. He glanced at the young woman who stood beside him. She was smiling.

“It’s just like I remember it,” she said.

Remus and Tom hadn’t brought her out here since she was six, when Sirius first moved to the coast.

“I can’t imagine ever leaving the ocean. Something draws me to it… binds me to it,” Sirius admitted.

“It’s beautiful. I mean the east coast is nice and all. But I think like it better out here. Everything is so green and alive,” she said.

“Not the sky, Becca. The sky is grey if you’ve noticed,” Remus said.

“Remus, your daughter is going to live with me now,” Sirius said calling back to Remus.

Remus laughed.

“She’s an adult now. She can do whatever she wants,” Remus said.

“I’ll bet twenty-one in a few months. I’m almost old enough to drink!” she said.

“Careful, Becca. Sirius will put you in a movie,” Remus said, walking up with his hands in his pockets.

Sirius smiled and considered the tall, dark haired girl. She reminded him of himself when he was younger in some ways.

“You know I was just thinking about another one of your novels, Remus. She might make a good Mercy Knight, don’t you think?” Sirius asked with a smile at Remus.

Remus stared at Sirius, seeming unsure how to react before laughing.

“No one ever loved Mercy Knight like I did. Mercy Knight was too dark, strange and beautiful for this world. Which I why I killed her off,” Remus said with a frown.

“I loved Mercy Knight. I was pretty pissed when you killed her off,” Sirius said.

Remus’s face looked alive and he smiled.

“Are you serious?” Remus asked.

Sirius tipped his head in disbelief.

“Yes, I am Sirius,” he said then laughed.

Remus burst into laughter.

“You know what I mean! Do you really want to make a Mercy Knight film?” Remus asked.

Sirius looked at Becca and smiled.

“It seems I do,” Sirius said.

* * *

Sirius hadn’t realised he had dropped his phone. He was frozen in time, unable to react. He could hear Rebecca crying on the other end but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t even cry. He was numb and nothing felt real.

Someone entered the room behind him but he still didn’t move.

“Sirius… did you hear?” he heard James say behind him.

Sirius didn’t respond. He couldn’t. This wasn’t real. James came over and picked up the phone. Sirius heard James issue various apologies and condolences to Rebecca Lupin.

Moments later, James was seated in a chair near Sirius, being silent. Perhaps, he was waiting for something. Sirius felt weak and he sat down, directly on the floor beneath him.

“Sirius, I’m… I’m sorry,” James said.

Sirius didn’t know how to respond. He knew he should thank him. He knew he should do something so he started to cry. Within seconds James was on the floor with him, his arms around him.

Finally, reality set in. Remus Lupin, famous novelist, was dead at age fifty-seven from an boating accident. An accidental drowning… just like Regs but nothing at all like Regs. Pain washed over Sirius. It was all too much.

Mercy Knight was coming out in a matter of days, starring Remus’s own daughter. The reviews were great and Sirius had so wanted Remus to enjoy that success. He was grateful that he had at least managed to get Remus into a private screening last month. At least he had that.

* * *

“You shouldn’t be out here by yourself, Sirius,” Lily said, sitting down next to him on the bench on his back porch.

“Harry and Ginny are down there with the grandkids,” Sirius said.

Funny calling them kids when they were adults now, Sirius thought. For that matter, Harry’s youngest boy, Albus was married to a nice young man named Scorpius.

“That’s not what I meant,” Lily said.

Sirius looked over at her. She had aged well, certainly better than Sirius. Her once dark red hair was now lighter and more grey but there was still a zest in her smile, even after James’s fatal heart attack a few years back. Her eyes were still startlingly green, even now.

“Well, what do you mean, then?” Sirius asked.

“You shouldn’t be living out here by yourself,” Lily said.

Sirius shrugged.

“I’m used to it. I’ve been living in this house for nearly thirty years by myself. I have the tide and the seagulls to keep me company,” Sirius said with a scowl.

“You’re not young anymore, Sirius. What if something happens to you?” Lily asked.

“Becca still comes out here sometimes from Portland… When she’s not working on a film. Harry still visits when he can,” Sirius said.

“Sirius, I’m worried about you. Ever since you retired you’ve been spending all your time out here alone. That’s not good for anyone,” Lily said.

Sirius took a sip of his iced tea, still unsure what she was getting at.

“Do you think I should sell the house?” Sirius asked.

“No. You love this place. I was just suggesting you might need a roommate,” Lily said.

“Yes, there are loads of people who want to come out and live on the coast with an old man, especially ones who _aren’t_ creepy fans,” Sirius said.

“But you do have one old, lonely friend who wouldn’t mind some companionship,” Lily said and Sirius turned to stare at her.

Lily looked down.

“Lily?” Sirius said.

Lily nodded.

“I’ve honestly coped well with James’s death. I mean… I always thought he might die before me. And after the pneumonia scare I just… wanted so much to hold onto him forever. But I knew. I knew it would happen,” Lily said.

Sirius put an arm around Lily as she wiped at her eyes.

“We’re the only ones left, Sirius. James is gone… Remus is gone… Peter is… well, I don’t know where Peter is anymore but I guess he’s gone too,” Lily said.

“We’re only seventy. That’s not even that old anymore,” Sirius said.

“I know. We could both live another twenty or even thirty years. I’d like to spend as much of that as possible with a friend by my side,” Lily said.

Sirius felt on the verge of tears. He never expected this. He felt guilty that it hadn’t even occurred to him.

“Yes. That would be all right with me, Lily Potter. You can be my roommate if you like,” Sirius said.

Lily wrapped her arms around him, softly sobbing into his ear.

“Thank you,” she said and that was that.

* * *

Sirius opened his eyes. Harry was sleeping in the chair next to his bed. He supposed watching someone die wasn’t all that entertaining. Sirius would’ve chuckled at his own dark joke if he had the energy left but the cancer had taken most of that. The cancer had taken everything but his life so far.

Sirius had an odd sense that Death had always been waiting for him. Oh, Death waits for everyone but it had always been waiting for Sirius, impatient and patient all at the same time.

Every time someone he loved died he felt Death tap him on the shoulder and whisper “Don’t think I have forgotten about you.”

Except when Lily died. When Sirius found Lily on the couch, clutching a book, he thought she was asleep. She looked like she was asleep. She was so peaceful and somehow so beautiful. Sirius had never understood the idea of dying when it was your time. Life was random and chaotic not deterministic. But Lily, at least, looked like she had died when it was her time and Death did not trouble him that time.

Sirius had never feared Death. It was just something that happened. It was a natural part of life. People died to make room for different people. There was a cyclical poetry to life and human existence. Sirius thought that Death was easier once you were old, that you must be so bored by that point, you’d just want to die.

But Sirius looked over at his godson who himself was old enough to be considered a senior citizen now and he knew with confidence that he didn’t want to die. But he wasn’t afraid to die. He just wanted… more time.

He had fought the cancer as best he could for a decade. But some battles can’t be won. The cancer spread too far, too deep. There wasn’t much left anymore. But he still had his mind… and his mind… it wanted to live.

He would leave behind him a legacy of films. Wasn’t that immortality? But that was the trouble: he didn’t want to be immortal. He just didn’t want to die. It was stupid, selfish and inescapable.

He wished his friends were here. Remus, whose smile could light a room and who stole Sirius’s heart and never gave it back. James, who was more loyal, giving and steadfast than anyone Sirius had ever met. And Lily, who was kind and strong in ways that Sirius could only aspire to be. He even missed Peter, who had been a sweet, soft-spoken young man when he knew him. Sirius regretted a thread, forever lost.

Sirius felt tired. It was time to go back to sleep.

Maybe I’ll dream of friends this time, he thought as he closed his eyes.


End file.
